4:05am | #MHAM2017

Hello to this body that I have trouble loving – my body. My body that is big and fat and causes me so much strife yet joy at the same time.

Hello to this body. This body that I want to love and embrace. That I want to flaunt and decorate, yet I hide because I am oh so uncomfortable and terrified.

Hello body. My body. My body that takes me places. And that keeps moving. And keeps going. And warns me not to overeat, though I do it anyways. Hello.

Hello body. My body. The body that I hurt. The body that hears harsh words and endures bruises and feels intense stares of hatred.

Hello body – my body. You are mystical and magical and even though we have this love hate relationship, mostly me hating you, thank you.

Thank you for never giving up on me. I appreciate you. Today and always.

— 18 March 2017


Body image is something that I am constantly & consistently working on. Just a minute ago, I was on Instagram comparing my body to other women. What’s funny is sure, a size 2* would be great especially when shopping, I am comparing myself to other plus size ladies wishing I was them. A more slim stomach. more toned thighs, less flabby arms…the list goes on and on. I think it’s so easy when your down to nitpick every single thing about yourself. Because I do have issues with my body especially with the weight I gained, I am taking measures this summer to get back on the path of health and well-being. Here are some simple (thinking positively!) steps that I am taking in order to better myself and my health for myself.

  • Walk more. | Parking further away from shops (unless at night), taking the stairs instead of the elevator, going for walks
  • Using the Uni gym while it’s still “free”. | VSU is getting my money and I haven’t spent any time at the rec center. When I attended UT Arlington (Go Mavs!), I was at the MAC whenever I had the time. It’s time to put those fears aside and go work out.
  • Utilize my resources. | This also ties in with the step above, but sometimes the gym can give me anxiety. I kind of just walk on the treadmill and call it a day. YouTube has so many free videos that I can watch and do workouts at my place.
  • Eat for health, not for emotions. | I’ve always had an interesting relationship with food – and not in the best way. I know that it may take some time to revamp my relationship with food, but it’s something that I need to do if I ever want to make a lasting change in my life.
  • Out with the old, in with the new. | This applies to thoughts and feelings, but in this case, it really applies to my wardrobe. I have been trying to make a change in my wardrobe for years now and I haven’t curated a wardrobe that I can take with me into my future. In the past, I enjoyed all different types of colors and prints and big jewelry, and while those things are okay, that’s not really my style anymore. I enjoy pops of color and more street fashion looks, but I also enjoy very minimal, very black and neutral wardrobe styles. Slowly but surely, I want to donate clothes that no longer make me feel happy and bring me job and replace them with basic staples that make me happy.
  • This is for ME. | I tend to be a person who cares about what everybody thinks about me. Am I pleasing family? Friends? Random strangers that I will never see again? Are they proud of me? If I do this change, say this, want to live here, ect. will everyone be okay with it? It’s so annoying and I end up depressed, stressed and worrying and overthinking and overanalyzing everything. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS YA’LL! I’m working on reminding myself that my life and my choices are mine. As long as I make choices that I can live with and I am trying my best to please God, then that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

These are just some of the ways that I am going to start working on my body issues. I feel that these also apply to other aspects of my life, but I know that they will all connect and help me in the long run.

What are you all doing to better your mental health?

xx

*I am by no means body shaming anyone. I am speaking of my own personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

2:08 am

Being in constant transition is ultimately tiring.

Currently there are frozen vegetables in my crockpot. I’m making soup because I am cold and soup is one of those dishes that makes me feel better. I have papers on papers to do. My procrastination is still at an all time high. My self-sabotage is, as well. I do a great job of starting but never finishing. I don’t want my life to be that way, but it is one of the only things that I have been consistent at. Besides the usual self-pity party, I now realize that my life can somehow be summed up as condensation on a jar.

As of late, I have been staring at the wall and crying. I spent two hours on the phone with my mum earlier this week because my relationship with God is nonexistent and I’m scared of my life and any greatness that I might have within me. I can’t see it, feel it and I’m afraid that I was in my prime almost ten years ago, but never fully took advantage of it. If high school was my prime, well then God help us all.

I am tired. Of myself. Of putting myself out there. Of using my body as a bargaining chip. For someone who is so self-conscious, it’s interesting that I seek love in the physical form which in turn has hurt and challenged (read: changed) me internally more than anything. I want to be the Ciara before I made mistakes, but does she even exist?

I wrote in my phone the other day something to the fact that I am always good at hiding my emotions, but what if that starts to crack and the fact that I was so good at hiding them, it won’t exist anymore. I think that is the day that I’m scared of the most.