MONDAY MUSINGS | NOTE TO SELF: THE KEEP PUSHIN’ EDITION

This was a note that I posted on my personal Facebook account, last Thursday. I thought that I would share it here too, because it’s quite relevant to my Monday Musings series. I pray that this post will bless you and remind you that whatever you’re going through, you are not alone!

 

Keep pushin’.

 

The month of September has been very interesting. There are a couple of things that I want to share that I am realizing and remembering, that in turn could possibly help current me, future me & could possibly help you.

  • Grow through what you go through. | There have been trying situations where my faith was tested, I stepped out of character, my stress levels peaked and my anxiety flared. Through it all, everything has all made me stronger. It’s reminded me of what I need to do, what I need to work on, how I don’t want to be, what & who I want to incorporate/keep in my life and reinforced my values. If I were to remain stagnant through these lessons, then that is on me. But I am choosing to rise above and continue to put in the work.
  • Radiate love. | This has been very tough. But again tieing in with the point above and below. I choose how I act and react to each situation. I am choosing to show love even when it’s easier to show something else.
  • I am responsible for me and no one else. I CHOOSE. | I can only do me. I can’t control Susie Q or anyone else. I can only control me. I can choose what I allow to affect me. I can choose how I spend my time. I can choose what I put my focus on. It’s all a choice.
  • Choose wisely. | Certain things or people aren’t worth your time. Point blank. Period. Wish them the best. Pray for them. But move on. Take care of you. | I am the most important person in my life. {Thank you Mama!}
  • Know Your Worth. | Self-explanatory.
  • Above all, God. | To each their own, but God is who I believe in. He is the head of my life. I am thankful for the love of the Father. Forever and always.

That’s all I got. I’m still trying to adult just like everyone else. All I know is that September has taught me so many things. I am grateful for the lessons. I am thankful for God calling out things I need to work on to be a better me and reminding me of my worth. I am extremely thankful for my family. Without their support, I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. And I’m thankful for me. That I didn’t give up when the days got dark. That I continue to keep it pushing no matter what. That I have not and will not fail because God is within me.

No one said that this journey would be easy. However, I know that it is all worth it.

Be blessed, VIXI fam! ♥

xx C

MONDAY MUSINGS | TAKE THE RISK

What’s meant to happen, will. Take the risk! You never know where it may lead!

There are times when there is something I want. Whether it be a career move, a personal move or something that is more material, such as more Fenty Beauty. I get excited and I foresee it in my future. I imagine how my life would be if what I want were to happen. Then all of a sudden, doubt creeps in. I stress out. I talk myself out of something good. Have you been through this before?

Today I want to inspire you to take the risk.

There are times where there are things that aren’t for us. That God puts a stop or a hold on. This is not for you. This is not the goal right now. Revisit it. Stay the course. Sometimes we hear these things and we get discouraged. Sometimes we receive news that makes us doubt, question our faith. Sometimes we give up. We get mad. We cry. We wonder Why me God? AGAIN? Will this ever work out?! The answer is…

Yes. Maybe. Possibly. No, girl. Not now, not ever. Listen, I’m not God, so I can’t give you a definite answer. What I do know is that God knows the desires of our heart and He knows what is best for us. I can tell you if it is meant for you, no devil in hell or person on earth can stop you from your blessing. I can tell you that your faith is what is going to get you through. I can tell you that you have to trust God when you can’t track him. I can tell you that your praise and prayer is what will keep you going.

I can tell you that you have a purpose and you are worth it.

Take the risk.

No matter the outcome, go for it. Don’t be the person that wonders What if…? Do it. Go for it. Work for it. Get your courage up. Build your faith. Take that risk! If it’s going to help you get to the next level, do it. If it’s going to build confidence, do it. If you know it’s a God thing, do it. If you know it’s a good thing, do it. Take the risk.

Let me know in the comments below what you’re doing to take the risk.

Bet on yourself. You’re worth it.

xx C

{Psalms 56:3-4, Ecclesiastes 3:11, Ecclesiastes 3:15}

4:05am | #MHAM2017

Hello to this body that I have trouble loving – my body. My body that is big and fat and causes me so much strife yet joy at the same time.

Hello to this body. This body that I want to love and embrace. That I want to flaunt and decorate, yet I hide because I am oh so uncomfortable and terrified.

Hello body. My body. My body that takes me places. And that keeps moving. And keeps going. And warns me not to overeat, though I do it anyways. Hello.

Hello body. My body. The body that I hurt. The body that hears harsh words and endures bruises and feels intense stares of hatred.

Hello body – my body. You are mystical and magical and even though we have this love hate relationship, mostly me hating you, thank you.

Thank you for never giving up on me. I appreciate you. Today and always.

— 18 March 2017


Body image is something that I am constantly & consistently working on. Just a minute ago, I was on Instagram comparing my body to other women. What’s funny is sure, a size 2* would be great especially when shopping, I am comparing myself to other plus size ladies wishing I was them. A more slim stomach. more toned thighs, less flabby arms…the list goes on and on. I think it’s so easy when your down to nitpick every single thing about yourself. Because I do have issues with my body especially with the weight I gained, I am taking measures this summer to get back on the path of health and well-being. Here are some simple (thinking positively!) steps that I am taking in order to better myself and my health for myself.

  • Walk more. | Parking further away from shops (unless at night), taking the stairs instead of the elevator, going for walks
  • Using the Uni gym while it’s still “free”. | VSU is getting my money and I haven’t spent any time at the rec center. When I attended UT Arlington (Go Mavs!), I was at the MAC whenever I had the time. It’s time to put those fears aside and go work out.
  • Utilize my resources. | This also ties in with the step above, but sometimes the gym can give me anxiety. I kind of just walk on the treadmill and call it a day. YouTube has so many free videos that I can watch and do workouts at my place.
  • Eat for health, not for emotions. | I’ve always had an interesting relationship with food – and not in the best way. I know that it may take some time to revamp my relationship with food, but it’s something that I need to do if I ever want to make a lasting change in my life.
  • Out with the old, in with the new. | This applies to thoughts and feelings, but in this case, it really applies to my wardrobe. I have been trying to make a change in my wardrobe for years now and I haven’t curated a wardrobe that I can take with me into my future. In the past, I enjoyed all different types of colors and prints and big jewelry, and while those things are okay, that’s not really my style anymore. I enjoy pops of color and more street fashion looks, but I also enjoy very minimal, very black and neutral wardrobe styles. Slowly but surely, I want to donate clothes that no longer make me feel happy and bring me job and replace them with basic staples that make me happy.
  • This is for ME. | I tend to be a person who cares about what everybody thinks about me. Am I pleasing family? Friends? Random strangers that I will never see again? Are they proud of me? If I do this change, say this, want to live here, ect. will everyone be okay with it? It’s so annoying and I end up depressed, stressed and worrying and overthinking and overanalyzing everything. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS YA’LL! I’m working on reminding myself that my life and my choices are mine. As long as I make choices that I can live with and I am trying my best to please God, then that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

These are just some of the ways that I am going to start working on my body issues. I feel that these also apply to other aspects of my life, but I know that they will all connect and help me in the long run.

What are you all doing to better your mental health?

xx

*I am by no means body shaming anyone. I am speaking of my own personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

2:08 am

Being in constant transition is ultimately tiring.

Currently there are frozen vegetables in my crockpot. I’m making soup because I am cold and soup is one of those dishes that makes me feel better. I have papers on papers to do. My procrastination is still at an all time high. My self-sabotage is, as well. I do a great job of starting but never finishing. I don’t want my life to be that way, but it is one of the only things that I have been consistent at. Besides the usual self-pity party, I now realize that my life can somehow be summed up as condensation on a jar.

As of late, I have been staring at the wall and crying. I spent two hours on the phone with my mum earlier this week because my relationship with God is nonexistent and I’m scared of my life and any greatness that I might have within me. I can’t see it, feel it and I’m afraid that I was in my prime almost ten years ago, but never fully took advantage of it. If high school was my prime, well then God help us all.

I am tired. Of myself. Of putting myself out there. Of using my body as a bargaining chip. For someone who is so self-conscious, it’s interesting that I seek love in the physical form which in turn has hurt and challenged (read: changed) me internally more than anything. I want to be the Ciara before I made mistakes, but does she even exist?

I wrote in my phone the other day something to the fact that I am always good at hiding my emotions, but what if that starts to crack and the fact that I was so good at hiding them, it won’t exist anymore. I think that is the day that I’m scared of the most.