Let’s get personal for a second – throughout my time on the interweb, I have been very transparent about my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I have posted various blogs, deleted various blogs (lol) and reached out in different ways. I wanted to be transparent because one, I didn’t want to feel alone and two, as a Black woman/Black person it’s important to say ‘Hey! We aren’t alone! YOU aren’t alone!’
Sometimes I hate putting myself out there because I don’t want to just bond with you all in misery. (I also don’t want to sound like a leaky faucet that never got fixed.) I want to bond and celebrate in joy as well! At times, I often wonder if I have been using depression and anxiety as my identity, as a crutch. To make a platform solely on that stance? With an attitude of defeat? That is not something that I want. Ever.
While I want to be real and transparent, I don’t want to give so much of myself that I don’t know who I am anymore. For the past 5-7 years, I have been in a transition phase. I feel that I have been searching for something. Something to define me – that defines me. How I define myself… What I’m saying is is that this constant state of transition can make you wonder who you really are. Although I’ve mentioned this before, I believe that I am comfortable enough to say that although this transition phase is challenging, it is necessary, rewarding, uplifting and slightly nervewracking.
Regrets, I try not to have them. But, if I’m being honest, and I am, I have regrets. I think of all the things that I had control over and how I didn’t care for them, how I didn’t care for myself. How I let things fall, myself fall when I had control over it. How situations happened and because I was weak, I bartered my soul. How I followed the crowd when I’ve always been told to stand out. How I followed standards instead of setting and following my own. How I trusted various people but yet they have put so little trust in me. How I am still packing things from years ago right now. How I’m learning to unpack them right now.
I am so thankful for a God of unconditional love.
I don’t have all the answers and I’m still taking things one step at a time, but I am finally in the releasing stage. God has been too good to me and so many good things are happening around me, to me. I have to remember to take a breath and enjoy and have gratitude for where I was, how far I have come and where I am now.